Bubby's growing too fast.

for some reason, God decided not to let us have more kids... Jude is approaching 1 year old and I'm loving every minute of it. It seems like every day is something new with him; he's either found a new 'talent' or had a new thing to eat... He amazes me more every day. I don't have time to write a whole blog right now. I just wanted to say that for Nicole and I to raise one baby is great... But one baby is not enough for us. I believe that God put the desire for a lot if babies for a reason and we wouldn't feel the need to raise more than one baby if God didn't have a plan for us to do so.


One is not enough.

Father's Day 2012

Today's a day for me to sleep in, but I woke up at 5:45 AM and can't sleep. I'm thinking about my babies and being a dad. My Avery isn't with, she died and I miss her desperately. This is my third Father's Day without her and it still hurts. I don't ever expect the hurt to go away. I don't want it to. She only lived inside mommy for 28 weeks. I never felt her move or heard her cry but I got to see her face. I got to hold her fragile little hands. I had the privilege of kissing her head. I was only with her for 6 hours but I was transformed from that day on. She changed me forever. She taught me that I am stronger than I know and even the worst days will pass; and if i'm open to it, even the most horrific times in my life can have positive outcomes.... Eventually.

My little boy is waking up now!! I get to see him and feed him! I'll write again soon.

Life in general

We're moving! Nicole and I were there for a few hours tonight setting things up. I'm so excited! The place looks great and we'll finally have a place we can call home :)  Nicole painted a closet and I took tons of pictures. I tried painting and realized that I'm really bad at it. I'm getting better, though,  Nicole is teaching me.  

In preparation for the move, we packed up Avery's room. :( Tomorrow (November 13th), it'll have been eight months since we lost our baby. Sometimes I'm brave and let the tears come with no resistance. With the tears comes the reminder that we were supposed to have a baby girl, but don't. Crying is so annoying. Tears are so inconvenient sometimes (most times). Right now, it's not a problem cuz I'm in a dark room with no one around and I don't have to explain to anyone why my eyes are red and stupid looking. I find that most of the time I try not to think too much about her because I know that it won't take much for one thought to lead to another and another and another and I'll cover my face by pretending to rub my eyes. I don't understand. What don't I understand? The usual. The typical things people don't understand and that us humans, with our minds of such little mental capacity aren't meant to understand. We are incapable of comprehending the divine, no matter what form it takes (good or, what we perceive to be bad). I think God has given me an unwavering optimism that won't quit. I believe that Avery died for something that I am not able or meant to understand. I've tried so hard to be mad, but there's no point in reducing my quality of life for something that I don't and can't understand.
                                                      Why did my baby die? 
Why couldn't she stay?
                                                                                            God! You know I've been waiting to take care of a baby since I was twelve! I've been praying for my family since before I had a girl friend!


                                You know I'll be a good dad!  
What about all those nights I'd be praying to you under the stars, marveling at your creation, praying for my wife and kids and grandkids? 


I know you are divine and all knowing and wouldn't put me through this if you didn't have glorious intentions. 
                                       I just don't know.

So. It's here. The pain and bitterness I try to avoid most of my days.
It feels good to cry.

I'll do this again soon.